Older
by Dorus the Walrus
Summary: A collection of vignettes showing the emotions and growth of each Animorph as they transform from children to fully developed adults, warriors, and leaders. Chapter 2: Ax.
1. Black

Author's Note – Not sure how many of these I'll do. Set not long after book #3.

**Older**

_**Black**_

Tobias shook his feathers as the drizzling rain continued to pour from the warring clouds. Everything was gray, from the sky to the grass. It matched his mood perfectly. The weather always seemed to know when he was feeling sorry for himself. Or maybe his moods always reflected the weather?

Either way, Tobias still felt shitty.

For most of his life, Tobias had always had these "moods" of his. It was as though a blackness just sort of washed over him, making him feel insignificant, worthless, completely unlovable, a _screw-up_.

When he was a human he had been so afraid, but strangely enough it hadn't been the bullies at school or even his uncle that he was afraid of. If every horrible thing has already happened to you, what else could they possibly do? Tobias never felt any fear when confronted with the threat of physical pain.

He was scared of these _feelings_. These horrible, black feelings that made Tobias just want to curl up into a ball and _die_.

He had been so afraid to speak up in class, so afraid to stand up against the bullies, so afraid to run away and leave his pathetic life behind. He had been so afraid of _screwing_ _up_, like he always did. Every time he made a mistake, every time he opened his mouth and just said something so horribly _stupid_ and _dumb_, the embarrassment and humiliation just welled up inside of him. Spilling over… It made him want to throw up. It _hurt_. The shame could actually physically hurt.

And then they met the Andalite… Elfangor. He had put all of his trust into the Animorphs. And into Tobias. During those last moments with him, Tobias could see the faith in his eyes when they looked at each other. _No one_ had ever looked at Tobias like that. He felt like he could do anything. Nothing could hold him back. Especially not one of those pitiable "moods".

Morphing had been incredible. It was power; sheer power. And it was his. He had the power to stop the Yeerks from taking over his planet. The things he felt when he had fought in that first battle were indescribable. How could a person describe what it feels like to be one of the most important people in the entire universe? To be able, for once in his life, unleash these black feelings and let loose a purely destructive force? To be indestructible?

Of course, he wasn't indestructible, was he?

Looking back now, at that first battle, Tobias can feel nothing but shame. He actually felt glee when he blinded those Controllers, attacked them, made them hurt like he had been hurt. He had felt that it was his God given right to punish them. That God had actually pointed his finger and blessed him, gave him the sole power of deciding what was right and what was wrong. Maybe that was why he became trapped. God was punishing him for his hubris.

He was not the Angel of Justice. He was not some sort of superhero. He was just some dumb kid who suddenly realized that he wasn't completely sure of what was right and what was wrong. Was it wrong for him to live the life of a hawk? Did he make the right decision? Was it okay to murder innocent hosts in battle? Every battle has casualties, but did that make it right or wrong? Is it wrong to feel powerful when he soars through the air, when he snatched a mouse from a field and mercifully snuffed out its pathetic life? He didn't know what to do.

_Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. How could you be so fucking stupid?!_

He was stupid. How the hell could he have let himself become stuck as a hawk? Jake wouldn't have done something that stupid. He was stuck like this while the others were forced to risk their lives in a battle against mind-controlling aliens from outer space. He knew that one day one of them wasn't going to return. And it would be _his_ fault. Because he wasn't there, because he was a nobody, because he was just so _pathetic_ and _worthless_ and so, so _stupid_.

As he became lost to his self-doubt he began to feel that horrible, horrible blackness overwhelm him. It was a feeling that he had thought he had left behind forever when he was entrusted with the power to save the world. It was a stupid thing to think. He was so stupid.

_Stupid. Worthless. Screw-up._


	2. Alone

Author's Note – Set just before/during book #4.

**Older**

_**Alone**_

He acquired the strange Earth creature on his third day.

It looked vicious; there were rows upon rows of sharp teeth and even its fins looked razor sharp. Aximili was sure that he would be able to handle anything in Earth's oceans with a morph like that. He could escape whenever he wanted.

But he waited.

He had to get into contact with his brother and the other warriors and princes. He was just a lowly _aristh_. Not fit for doing anything by himself. There was a hierarchy. He had to follow it.

By the end of the first week he was pretty sure they weren't coming.

He briefly wondered if his brother had been killed before quickly pushing that thought out of his mind. It was too terrible to consider. What would he do? Where would he go? He had always had Elfangor.

When he was younger (_much, much younger_, Aximili ashamedly admitted to himself) he had wished that his brother had never returned to their homeworld, that he had just stayed lost.

Aximili dreamily looked out at the ocean. He had always imagined that he would have to suffer some great trial, some terrible burden. How else could he become the strong and proud warrior that he had always dreamed of being? He wanted glory. He wanted people to know his name, to talk of his fantastic exploits. But no, it was always Elfangor this and Elfangor that and Aximili who?

Aximili never had to do anything on his own. Not when he had Elfangor as his brother. He never had to work or study, at least not really. He had spent his school days talking to the females, trying to understand their alien ways. It was no surprise that whenever the teacher called on him to answer a question he would have nothing to say. _And why can you not answer my questions?_ They always asked. _Because Oliluna distracted me_. He would say and the female would smile at him while his teacher frowned.

And yet he would always receive high marks. Nobody wanted to call Elfangor's brother an unmindful, dreamy fool. At least, not where Elfangor would be able to hear about it. Aximili never had to stand on his own, never had to try. Elfangor was there to do that for him. It hadn't mattered if Aximili had studied for a test or not, he was going to get the same good grade regardless. The only test that Aximili actually studied for, truly cared about, was his entrance exam into the military.

He couldn't wait to be free, to be able to finally prove himself. To be able to do something on his own for once. And what did they do? Put him on the same ship as Elfangor. Aximili was certain his brother had something to do with it. Since he had stepped onto the ship Elfangor had told him what to do, where to go. Even when to eat. Aximili truly hated it. All he wanted was to be able to make his own decisions for once in his life. To stand on his own.

Now was his chance and he was paralyzed with fear.

It was well into the third week now. He had never really been alone in his entire life. There had always been someone there. There had always been Elfangor. Now there was no one. It truly frightened. It seized his hearts, pulled at him in a way that had him jumping at shadows, straining his ears to hear something, just _something_ besides his own thoughts. What was he supposed to do? He had an escape plan, but should he do it? He didn't know. There was no one to tell him.

He knew that the other warriors must be dead. He knew that Elfangor must be dead. But he still sent out his distress call. What else was an unmindful, dreamy, lowly, foolish _aristh_ supposed to do? He didn't know.

By the end of the third week he had made up his mind.

_If they don't come for me by tomorrow, then I will leave._

_Alone._


End file.
